All alone. Just my thoughts. Nine times out of ten, this is where I prefer to be. This is the life I've chosen for myself... a life of loneliness. Just not today.
Normally, mind you, I'm happy with this. It is my choice, after all. I could choose to be the social butterfly type, but I don't, for many reasons. In fact, I do not think the word "loneliness" is even remotely negative. For me, lonely is happy. However, it comes at a price.
Every once in a while, I get a slight urge to not be alone. It's always quick and short-lived, but it does come. When it does, I willingly push it aside, and with remarkable ease. It's times like today that are tough. My hermit-like existence catches up with me every few months... like now. I miss people. I miss friends. I miss people calling to see if I want to go do something. I miss my Army D&D group. I miss doing immature shit like seeing a movie twice and blurting out the ending during the second showing. I miss family. I miss family a lot, actually. I practically have none. Those that care about me don't know how to connect with me, so they make themselves unreachable. All of my family on my mother's side are dead. All but two people on my father's side hate me because I don't believe in their God. I think about the people who have been closer to me than any biological family, and I remember how I've vanished out of their lives without even a goodbye. I miss those people the most. In times like this, I reflect on all the people I've hurt over the years, and how much I regret so many decisions. So many people I wish I could apologize to. Despite all my beliefs of doing good and getting back threefold, I sure have shot a hell of a lot of negative energy into the cosmos.
Thank the Gods that this furry little ball of love at my feet will never judge me for my wrongdoings and will never leave my side so long as she's alive. Without her, I'd be completely gone in times like this. Thanks, Zephyr.
Normally, mind you, I'm happy with this. It is my choice, after all. I could choose to be the social butterfly type, but I don't, for many reasons. In fact, I do not think the word "loneliness" is even remotely negative. For me, lonely is happy. However, it comes at a price.
Every once in a while, I get a slight urge to not be alone. It's always quick and short-lived, but it does come. When it does, I willingly push it aside, and with remarkable ease. It's times like today that are tough. My hermit-like existence catches up with me every few months... like now. I miss people. I miss friends. I miss people calling to see if I want to go do something. I miss my Army D&D group. I miss doing immature shit like seeing a movie twice and blurting out the ending during the second showing. I miss family. I miss family a lot, actually. I practically have none. Those that care about me don't know how to connect with me, so they make themselves unreachable. All of my family on my mother's side are dead. All but two people on my father's side hate me because I don't believe in their God. I think about the people who have been closer to me than any biological family, and I remember how I've vanished out of their lives without even a goodbye. I miss those people the most. In times like this, I reflect on all the people I've hurt over the years, and how much I regret so many decisions. So many people I wish I could apologize to. Despite all my beliefs of doing good and getting back threefold, I sure have shot a hell of a lot of negative energy into the cosmos.
Thank the Gods that this furry little ball of love at my feet will never judge me for my wrongdoings and will never leave my side so long as she's alive. Without her, I'd be completely gone in times like this. Thanks, Zephyr.
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