Educational Bummers

Went to ITT to sign up for the stupid class. It was pretty short and painless. I think Tracy, the financial aid lady, kinda knew I didn't want to hear the words "failed" or "retake", so she spared me a little embarrassment. She also told me she'd e-mail the instructor to have him send me the first weeks assignments....which means the class has already started. Wonderful. Stupid school. Now more than ever I look forward to a "normal" education.
    However, like always, when I have a plan, it gets shot down. I realized to day that it's too late to enroll in another school as the fall semester has already begun. Why didn't I think of this months ago? Plus, I can't be enrolled in two schools at once. Man, this sucks. I hate to think of another year completely wasted, but it seems that's what's around the corner for me.

The Future of Education

I finally got a phone call from the Multimedia Chair at school informing me I need to get enrolled in the Group Dynamics class for this quarter. It's about time. The message said that the class will be held on Tuesday evenings from 6-10pm. Fine. Whatever it takes to wipe my hands clean of this damn school.
    I think I've come to a decision as to where I'd like to take my education from this point on. I'm pretty sure I'm ready to pursue a psychology major. It's something I've always been interested in. It was even my "dream" for most of high school. This is what I should have done two years ago, really. I think studying psychology will serve two main purposes: to better understand my father, and to better understand myself. The latter is what I've been avoiding for a long time. Now I think I'm ready for the task of finding out who I truly am. Bring on the pain.
    

Labor Day Picnic

Well, the Labor Day family picnic was...ok, I guess. All of Steve's and Merrily's families are very nice people. Aside from Bob and Marilyn, I was the first to arrive, even before Steve and Merrily. My father wanted to be able to show up late and leave early, so he drove his own car, and drove behind Stan and Laura, who showed up two hours after I did. There were more people there than I expected. Some were family-of-family-of-family like myself but in different directions. They all seemed very nice and happy to meet me. Many had even heard mention of me, which surprised me.
    Most of the day I was pretty bored. Like I suspected, 90% of the group were senior citizens whom I had nothing in common with. I politely listened to people's stories and jokes, which were neither interesting nor amusing. Well, I can't say that really. I enjoyed Merrily's and Marti's company. Stan asked me about my new tattoo several times. He joked that he'd get one, but I'm beginning to think he's not joking.
    It was unusually chilly most of the day, so there wasn't much activity going on in the water. A couple people hopped into paddleboats for a few minutes to appease the children, but that was about it. Too bad, really. I would have liked to show off my new tattoo to some people. It could have been a great opportunity to try to get comfortable taking my shirt off in front of people I didn't know. One of these days I'll get over this self-conscious shit and learn to really not care what other people think.
    There were so many times when I wanted to thank Dick and Marti in person for the wolf photos and painting. I thanked Marti over the phone after I found them, but I thought and in-person thank you would be appropriate also. Anyway, I didn't do it. I just couldn't get myself to go up to Dick and talk to him. This is getting crazy. He's not Jack. He doesn't have any kind of emotional connection to me, and therefore, I shouldn't feel a connection to him. Ugh, but I do. Just like Jack, I feel like a little kid when I'm around him. A strange desire to please him, to not say the wrong thing, and to not end up looking like an idiot or a stalker. Kind of like a boy would feel towards a superhero. Or maybe a father. Well, I think I made up for it by sending a nice heartfelt e-mail to them. Marti replied telling me it was the nicest e-mail they've ever gotten.
    Overall, I had a nice time at the picnic. I finally got to put faces to some of the many names I've heard about. If the weather was warmer, and if there were more people whom I knew better, it would have been more fun. Not a total loss, though by any means.
    
    
    

Pre-Picnic Jitters

The tattoo is healing well, I think. A little pain from time to time, but it's sticking to things less. I'm glad I picked up that bacitracin ointment instead of using the vitamin A & D stuff I had for Talon's tattoo.
So tomorrow is going to be the family labor Day picnic thingy. I'm going so I can try to "get to know" some family. My father is going also, but I don't expect him to stay long. I'm going to really put an effort to be outgoing. I know I'm not going to have a great time because almost everyone there will be senior citizens. I want to go to a picnic, not a geriatric convention. Bah, screw it. I'll make the best of it. There's supposed to be some water activities there. I think that'll be a good opportunity to try to become comfortable taking my shirt off in front of people I don't know.

Fresh Ink & Symbolism

Last night I got a new tattoo. Well, sort of. I made the tough call to cover up my pentacle/triple goddess tattoo. I feel that I no longer need the visual proof of my beliefs. I'm comfortable and confident enough with myself that I don't need to re-affirm it to myself everytime I look in the mirror. Also, the fact that all of my immediate and extended family are extreme Christians. I don't want to be labeled by my beliefs before they even get to know me. I may have sold out a bit, but I think in the end, it's for the best.
Plus, I feel that although I no longer need to remind myself of my Wiccan beliefs, I feel like I do need to re-affirm my commitment to the spirit of the wolf. The wolf symbolizes everything that I aspire to be. Over time, I've been drifting away from the wolf within myself. The wolf is a pack creature. His strength is in numbers. In his family. I have little to no connection to my family, despite my many opportunities to get to know more of them. I've made up the excuse for a long time that I'm a "lone wolf". I now realize this is incorrect. It would be more accurate to say that I'm a "lonely wolf". The wolf is tenacious. Never say die. Fight till the end. The wolf does not quit. I did. I gave up. I quit my Group Dynamics class. I've made up many reasons for why it was "too difficult" or why I "didn't have the time", but the simple fact is that I quit. I've disgraced the spirit of the wolf by my actions.
These are the reasons I needed to replace my pentacle with another wolf tattoo. And as an addition, this new one is rather large and detailed. I felt I deserved the excruciating pain involved in getting something so large on my chest. From this day forth, I will live up to the name the wolf has allowed me to use.

Depression Building Up

Ugh. So this is what it's like to feel depressed. I don't like it one bit. It's been building up in me for quite some time now, but lately it has been harder to ignore. I've been feeling what might be called the symptoms of my father's psychological condition for a long time, but I've been afraid to admit it to myself. I get nervous and anxious when I'm around groups of people. I don't like to go to stores anymore. I feel like people are watching me...ridiculing me...criticizing me. I hate that feeling.
Today my father learned that the "family picnic" that is scheduled for Monday (Labor Day) does not allow smoking anywhere on the campground. Based on this, he's suddenly decided not to go. This really bothers me. I can't help but take it as a cop out to avoid a social setting. I told him yesterday that I might not go simply because I'd feel out of place around people I don't know and who all would be 30 or more years older than me. In retrospect, I think that was a cop out on my part as well to avoid the same thing as my father, but I was truthful when I told him I wasn't completely against going. However, I decided that I would set aside my misgivings to accompany and assist my father at the picnic. Now it seems I have a new dilemma. I could follow in his path and spend Labor Day safely at Grams' house with no need to interact with others, no need to expand my comfort zone, or I can go to the picnic without him and push the boundaries of comfort, thus not making me like him. I'm leaning towards the picnic.
I wish I had someone I could really talk to.

A Touch of Doubt

Ugh. Lately I don't know what I've been doing. Life just seems so futile these days. I'm not sure if I'm happy here any longer with my father. He's great to me...well, he lets me live here for free...ugh. He's so emotionally detached. He just cannot tell when I'm upset over something, and when I do bring it up, it's almost as though he isn't even here. I just wish there was someone out there who understood me, and might be able to offer some advice that makes some sense.

Wolf Art

Today was interesting. I came home to find sitting on the washing machine was a painting by Marti and two beutiful photos by Dick, all of wolves. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I was seriously overwhelmed. It's funny how a simple act of kindness, which is most likely insignificant to them, can be so monumental to me. They've helped to restore my confidence in the goodness of people. They told me it was to say thanks for my work on their wireless network, but I didn't even get it all to work. I told them how much wolves mean to me, and soon after they show up with samples of their art for me to enjoy. I really do have few material posessions that I truly cherish. These pieces of art are now among them.

Network No-Go

I went back again today to assist with the wireless range extenders I had them get. After many hours, I was unable to get it to work. There are just too many trees. I feel sorry for them, as they already paid for the very expensive satellite internet at Bonnie's house. I did all I knew how. It sucks, but I need to keep telling myself that it's not my sole responsiility to get it all working.
I got the nerve to tell Dick that I'm envious of him. To be able to share the same physical space as a wolf, like he has, would be life-altering for me. I'd give anything at all to meet a wolf face to face. To have the opportunity to look a wolf in the eyes and see the wisdom hidden within, I would gladly relive every tragic moment of my life. Dick lives my dream, and I told him as much.

Helping Merrily

Well, I'll be helping Merrily with her multi-house networking issue tomorrow. Apparantly they don't know what to do with their router. I don't mind really. It'll give me an excuse to leave the house and talk to people. Her and Steve are nice people...I think it'll be good for me. I like being needed for something. But for now I'm exhausted...I'm going to bed early.