Ugh. So this is what it's like to feel depressed. I don't like it one bit. It's been building up in me for quite some time now, but lately it has been harder to ignore. I've been feeling what might be called the symptoms of my father's psychological condition for a long time, but I've been afraid to admit it to myself. I get nervous and anxious when I'm around groups of people. I don't like to go to stores anymore. I feel like people are watching me...ridiculing me...criticizing me. I hate that feeling.
Today my father learned that the "family picnic" that is scheduled for Monday (Labor Day) does not allow smoking anywhere on the campground. Based on this, he's suddenly decided not to go. This really bothers me. I can't help but take it as a cop out to avoid a social setting. I told him yesterday that I might not go simply because I'd feel out of place around people I don't know and who all would be 30 or more years older than me. In retrospect, I think that was a cop out on my part as well to avoid the same thing as my father, but I was truthful when I told him I wasn't completely against going. However, I decided that I would set aside my misgivings to accompany and assist my father at the picnic. Now it seems I have a new dilemma. I could follow in his path and spend Labor Day safely at Grams' house with no need to interact with others, no need to expand my comfort zone, or I can go to the picnic without him and push the boundaries of comfort, thus not making me like him. I'm leaning towards the picnic.
I wish I had someone I could really talk to.
Today my father learned that the "family picnic" that is scheduled for Monday (Labor Day) does not allow smoking anywhere on the campground. Based on this, he's suddenly decided not to go. This really bothers me. I can't help but take it as a cop out to avoid a social setting. I told him yesterday that I might not go simply because I'd feel out of place around people I don't know and who all would be 30 or more years older than me. In retrospect, I think that was a cop out on my part as well to avoid the same thing as my father, but I was truthful when I told him I wasn't completely against going. However, I decided that I would set aside my misgivings to accompany and assist my father at the picnic. Now it seems I have a new dilemma. I could follow in his path and spend Labor Day safely at Grams' house with no need to interact with others, no need to expand my comfort zone, or I can go to the picnic without him and push the boundaries of comfort, thus not making me like him. I'm leaning towards the picnic.
I wish I had someone I could really talk to.
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