Depression Building Up

Ugh. So this is what it's like to feel depressed. I don't like it one bit. It's been building up in me for quite some time now, but lately it has been harder to ignore. I've been feeling what might be called the symptoms of my father's psychological condition for a long time, but I've been afraid to admit it to myself. I get nervous and anxious when I'm around groups of people. I don't like to go to stores anymore. I feel like people are watching me...ridiculing me...criticizing me. I hate that feeling.
Today my father learned that the "family picnic" that is scheduled for Monday (Labor Day) does not allow smoking anywhere on the campground. Based on this, he's suddenly decided not to go. This really bothers me. I can't help but take it as a cop out to avoid a social setting. I told him yesterday that I might not go simply because I'd feel out of place around people I don't know and who all would be 30 or more years older than me. In retrospect, I think that was a cop out on my part as well to avoid the same thing as my father, but I was truthful when I told him I wasn't completely against going. However, I decided that I would set aside my misgivings to accompany and assist my father at the picnic. Now it seems I have a new dilemma. I could follow in his path and spend Labor Day safely at Grams' house with no need to interact with others, no need to expand my comfort zone, or I can go to the picnic without him and push the boundaries of comfort, thus not making me like him. I'm leaning towards the picnic.
I wish I had someone I could really talk to.

A Touch of Doubt

Ugh. Lately I don't know what I've been doing. Life just seems so futile these days. I'm not sure if I'm happy here any longer with my father. He's great to me...well, he lets me live here for free...ugh. He's so emotionally detached. He just cannot tell when I'm upset over something, and when I do bring it up, it's almost as though he isn't even here. I just wish there was someone out there who understood me, and might be able to offer some advice that makes some sense.

Wolf Art

Today was interesting. I came home to find sitting on the washing machine was a painting by Marti and two beutiful photos by Dick, all of wolves. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I was seriously overwhelmed. It's funny how a simple act of kindness, which is most likely insignificant to them, can be so monumental to me. They've helped to restore my confidence in the goodness of people. They told me it was to say thanks for my work on their wireless network, but I didn't even get it all to work. I told them how much wolves mean to me, and soon after they show up with samples of their art for me to enjoy. I really do have few material posessions that I truly cherish. These pieces of art are now among them.

Network No-Go

I went back again today to assist with the wireless range extenders I had them get. After many hours, I was unable to get it to work. There are just too many trees. I feel sorry for them, as they already paid for the very expensive satellite internet at Bonnie's house. I did all I knew how. It sucks, but I need to keep telling myself that it's not my sole responsiility to get it all working.
I got the nerve to tell Dick that I'm envious of him. To be able to share the same physical space as a wolf, like he has, would be life-altering for me. I'd give anything at all to meet a wolf face to face. To have the opportunity to look a wolf in the eyes and see the wisdom hidden within, I would gladly relive every tragic moment of my life. Dick lives my dream, and I told him as much.

Helping Merrily

Well, I'll be helping Merrily with her multi-house networking issue tomorrow. Apparantly they don't know what to do with their router. I don't mind really. It'll give me an excuse to leave the house and talk to people. Her and Steve are nice people...I think it'll be good for me. I like being needed for something. But for now I'm exhausted...I'm going to bed early.