We Reap What We Sow

All alone. Just my thoughts. Nine times out of ten, this is where I prefer to be. This is the life I've chosen for myself... a life of loneliness. Just not today.

Normally, mind you, I'm happy with this. It is my choice, after all. I could choose to be the social butterfly type, but I don't, for many reasons. In fact, I do not think the word "loneliness" is even remotely negative. For me, lonely is happy. However, it comes at a price.

Every once in a while, I get a slight urge to not be alone. It's always quick and short-lived, but it does come. When it does, I willingly push it aside, and with remarkable ease. It's times like today that are tough. My hermit-like existence catches up with me every few months... like now. I miss people. I miss friends. I miss people calling to see if I want to go do something. I miss my Army D&D group. I miss doing immature shit like seeing a movie twice and blurting out the ending during the second showing. I miss family. I miss family a lot, actually. I practically have none. Those that care about me don't know how to connect with me, so they make themselves unreachable. All of my family on my mother's side are dead. All but two people on my father's side hate me because I don't believe in their God. I think about the people who have been closer to me than any biological family, and I remember how I've vanished out of their lives without even a goodbye. I miss those people the most. In times like this, I reflect on all the people I've hurt over the years, and how much I regret so many decisions. So many people I wish I could apologize to. Despite all my beliefs of doing good and getting back threefold, I sure have shot a hell of a lot of negative energy into the cosmos.

Thank the Gods that this furry little ball of love at my feet will never judge me for my wrongdoings and will never leave my side so long as she's alive. Without her, I'd be completely gone in times like this. Thanks, Zephyr.

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This is what I'm saving up for!

Zero Pollution Motors - Air Car

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I'm feeling a little inferior now...

An Elephant Paints An Amazing Self Portrait

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Super Marching Band Bros.!

Drumline Meets Revenge of the Nerds - CollegeHumor video

Proof that band camp rocks!

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A testament to my amazing emergency culinary skills...

K, so I found myself really hungry today after not eating all weekend (by accident, mind you). So hungry, in fact, that I felt too weak to drag myself to the store to buy a few things.

The simplest thing I have/had is/was some crap generic macaroni and cheese stuff. Sadly, I had no milk to make it. However, I found some good ole powdered coffee creamer.

After some powdered creamer, a bit of hot water, and some rigorous stirring, I ended up with some makeshift milk. Yay!... kinda. I then realized that the mac and cheese mix I had was one that my father bought me when I was incapacitated with a concussion and was some gross flavorless whole what style mac and cheese. Hmm... what to do to give it a bit of flavor?

This is when fake fruity milk was born. Taking the pseudo-milk and dumping about a teaspoon of powdered fruit punch drink mix into it was my solution.

"WTF?? Are you out of your mind?" Well, maybe. But don't knock it till you've tried it. It really wasn't all that bad, to be honest. It served the purpose of sprucing up the whole wheat macaroni grossness.

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Social, Asocial, Unsocial, Antisocial... who's the real Wolf? An introspective rant.

Many (if not most) people I meet really do not know anything about me. Occasionally, I wonder why this is. Is this something I allow to happen? Is there something about interpersonal relationships that I fear? I sometimes even wonder if there's something wrong with me upstairs as a result. It's not too often that I think about this kind of thing, but lately, I have been. I really don't have any clue why I'm writing this... boredom, most likely.

I have come to realize that somewhere up in my brain, some wires must have gotten crossed and I've developed an aversion to the company of other people. I don't know when or where this happened, but I do remember myself as a kid always with a group of friends. There wasn't much that would keep me away from enjoying life in the company of other kids. Even as a teenager, though I fell victim to much of the cruelty that goes on between teens and didn't really have many good friends, I had longed to be one of the popular people at school. There was still something within me that really wanted to interact with others on a regular basis.

So, somewhere between high school and now I've taken a 180 degree shift in personality. I simply don't like being around people. People annoy the hell out of me. Most of the "friends" I've had in recent years would do nothing but talk about themselves and their problems and their drama, but wouldn't even think twice to ask about me. I say "most" because I will admit there have been a select few who were sincerely interested in what was going on with me. In those situations, ironically, I've found myself with nothing to say, simply not wanting to talk, or even feeling like my space was being violated somehow. My own personal paradox, I suppose. I don't want to be around self-centered folks, but at the same time the considerate ones make me uncomfortable.

Once again, I find myself wondering why I'm writing this right now. Is there some part of me right now that's reaching out to anyone who might read this, hoping someone has it in them to pull me out of a decade-long rut? Do I even want that? Maybe this meaningless wall of text is just to serve as an explanation to people who I continually brush aside... or a warning to those of whom I haven't yet done so.

I've been told that I'm so dramatically different at work than I am in my off-time. It's very true. All of my issues with interpersonal relationships vanish from 9-5. I enjoy my job and the people there make it that much more enjoyable. I love interacting with my colleagues and the people I manage. I think, however, that is because those people give me a purpose. I like to greet people at work with a smile (after the caffeine lets me)... I enjoy being able to lend assistance to those who need me. Oddly enough, once I'm off the clock, I don't really want to be near those people. I don't want to run into them at the store and strike up a conversation. I don't want to go see a movie with a group of them. I don't want to go to a bar and watch a big game with them. I mention work relationships mainly because outside of work, I have none... not much else to go by, but it applies to anyone else too. One would think that if I enjoy these individuals' company so much when I'm working, why would I not feel the same way about them all the time? How can a person's opinion of another person or group of people fluctuate so drastically and so often? I've got no answer.

Am I just some troubled and misguided fool? What is it about loneliness that I revere so much? When all I'm left with is my thoughts, there is no need for making impressions on people, especially negative ones that could end up in awkward situations later. I don't need to fit in with a group if there isn't one. I don't need to impress somebody if there is nobody to impress. I believe I have completely lost sight of any potential benefits to maintianing personal relationships. I know there must be some pleasantries in being social, otherwise there would be more people like me.

I have what I call "friends". However, the term in my eyes is akin to what most people as "acquaintances". I don't know friendship as is defined by any dictionary or common notion. I would call them "acquaintances", but I do recognize that that sounds somewhat cold, and I don't want to put off people I like. I just simply don't want the kind of friendship that others do. I can be just as kind and caring and considerate as any good human being can be...

I've been called antisocial by many people. Get your terminology straight. Antisocial behavior is identified by a total lack of disregard for the well being of others and the fundamental principles of a civilized society. Charles Manson is a classic example of antisocial. I'm nowhere near that bad. Here are a few quick definitions that I've come across:

• An antisocial person is “one opposed to the established society, one who shuns company and defies or breaks society’s rules.”
• An asocial person simply “doesn’t get on in society and avoids mixing with others.”
• An unsociable person is “not congenial and neither seeks nor tolerates the company of others.”
• An unsocial person is either “one who does not seek society or one who actively avoids or hates it.” In short unsocial overlaps nearly all these others.
• Nonsocial is often used with behavior to indicate “having no social quality or character,” and so “uninterested in society or in socializing.”

Please don't call me antisocial. Not quite unsocial, either, as I don't have a problem with society as a whole, but more with individuals themselves. I'm not unfriendly, really, and I'm capable of getting along with people when I have to, but I can associate with not seeking and often being unable to tolerate the company of others... and I do avoid contact with people for the most part. So, if you must label me, I can live with being called "an asocially unsociable person with a nonsocial personality".

Kind of bizarre that I'm putting this up on the internet for anyone to come along and read it. I like to get my thoughts down sometimes, and chances are if I keep this local on my hard drive, my computer will explode, losing all this. I don't really expect anyone to read this, and I don't really care if anyone does or doesn't. Now that I think about it, there are a few people who might find it and think I'm directing a lot of this at them specifically. To those people: get over yourselves. If I have something specifically to say to one person, believe me, you'll know it.


PS: I was almost done with this when an ill-timed Jehovah's Witness devoid of any tact at all just banged on my door reminding me to mention the following: if anyone does happen to read this and feels the need to "encourage" me by suggesting I find God or Jesus or any other cosmic force that can "save me", please save your preachy rhetoric and prayers for someone who might listen.

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Back to work! So happy!

Ahhh. It's so nice to be recovered and to get back to work. I really missed it over the past week. I managed to get caught up pretty well, in addition to officially starting on my next project, which must remain unnamed to the public. =) Happy happy productive day! =)

- Wolf

Recovering from a concussion

Well, I've been out of work now for a full week thanks to that whap on the head.  I'm feeling better than I have all week.  Nothing is going to keep me away from work on Monday. 

The headache is dulling down even further, and the dizziness is a rare occurrence.  When it does happen, though, it really sucks.  Fortunately, it's not happening often.

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Bill Paying Blues

Goddammit...

I get a really awesome paycheck with tons of overtime and decide to do the responsible thing and catch up on some bills, right?  Well, almost.  I sort of went on a huge bill paying spree.  To the point of paying a lot more than I actually had money for.  Once each of these payments clears at the bank, I'm going to be overdrawn by at least $100.  If I had just paid closer attention to how much I was paying, I wouldn't be in this mess now.  Luckily, I caught myself and ran off to get my rent money order while I still had funds in the bank. 

The worst part of it all is that I didn't really get any closer to paying off any of my credit cards.  $1500 just to get caught up with shit. 

Someday, I'll pay these credit cards off.  Someday I'll be able to save enough money to actually go buy something for myself.  But "someday" is not today.  I paid so much stuff that I might be able to stash away the majority of my next paycheck, though.

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Security Breach?

A friend of mine found out that someone has been logging onto his Blogger and LiveJournal accounts from his computer...

That would certainly upset me if I was in his position... there are some things that I set to private for my own viewing that I wouldn't want anyone else seeing.  This would indeed be a most unfortunate circumstance.  Luckily, nobody I know and trust would EVER do something like that.

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ProBlogger

Blog Tips to Help You Make Money Blogging - ProBlogger

Huh. This blogging thing is far more mainstream than even I imagined. It seems some people take it a tad too far though. Here's a chunk of the "featured post" on this site right now titled, "Don't Just Have a Blog - Learn to Think Like a Blogger".

"In my early days of blogging the process was far less natural. I sometimes forget how challenging it was - but when I force myself to think back:

• I remember a period where I had to set an alarm on my phone to remind myself to post
• I remember times where I’d sit down to write an nothing would come
• I remember times where I’d write and rewrite posts and then hit delete - not publishing anything at all
• I remember at times being quite structured in setting myself goals (posting targets, the number of comments I wanted to write on other people’s blogs etc
• I remember times where it would take me hours to come up with a satisfactory opening line to a post or where I’d write 20 or so titles before finding one I liked
• I remember struggling to find my ‘voice’ - wondering if I should be more professional, more personal, use humor, write as an expert etc

This process wasn’t always easy and as I think about it I realize that what I was doing in these early days was as much working on my mindset as I was working on my writing skills."

Setting an alarm to remind him to post on a blog?? Come on! Ya know, maybe I just don't get it. Perhaps I'm reaching an age where new trends in our society just make no sense to me. I remember my mother didn't understand the appeal of video games, just as I don't really understand the appeal of blogs.

I am, however determined to "get it". I'm making this my delayed New Year's Resolution. I'm going to grasp the appeal of blogging. =P

Quitting Smoking, Day 4

So far, so good. Days 3 and 4 were easy to get through. I'm averaging about 3 real cravings a day. I'm no expert, but that seems pretty good to me!

I'm getting used to the taste of the Commit Lozenges. Once I got over the initial shock of how terrible they were, I think maybe I just know what to expect when I pop one in. They're still working wonderfully. The "12-week plan" outlined by the manufacturers of the lozenges has got to be just a marketing strategy. I have no intention of using at least 9 of these things each day for the first 6 weeks. That seems way overkill. I'm only needing about 2-3 a day. We'll do it my way. If I relapse and start smoking again, I'll give in and try it their way.

Overall, I'm pleased with my first 4 days smoke-free.

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Two days smoke-free

Well, technically it hasn't been a full two days just yet, but this is day #2.  Surprisingly, I'm feeling pretty good about it.  I've had a few cravings here and there, but none too terrible.  These Commit Lozenges are really working for me.  They taste like asshole for a while, but damn they work.  I'm certain that I'll be able to kick the habit this time around!  =)

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Goodbye, old friend

So this is it. The end of our long-lasting and symbiotic relationship. You've been with me through good times and bad. You've comforted me when I was upset, nervous, depressed, and confused. You've shared in my hobbies, my activities, and many drunken evenings with friends. You were the first one I ran to when I woke up and the last to say goodnight to me before bed. Because of your companionship, I made a lot of great friends who I may not have met without you.
However, our time together has now come to an end. I'm sorry, but I need more from life than what you can offer. This is both melancholy and liberating at the same time for me. Don't worry about me, though. You'll find someone else who needs you like I did in the beginning. Don't get me wrong, I will miss you. Being without you will be quite difficult for a while, but I'll get used to not having you in my life. This is something I need to do for myself. I need to move on, Mr. Cigarette. It has been fun, but you can no longer provide what I need. This is where our paths must diverge.

Goodbye tobacco,

Wolf

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New Year's Resolutions

OK. I know it's cliché, but I have some New Year's Resolutions.

1. Stop smoking. Yeah...even more cliché. I'm really determined to quit. I promised Heather I'd do so, and I will.

2. Learn Russian. I'm probably going to be studying it for the entirety of 2008, but it'll be a great accomplishment for me if I can become semi-fluent in one year. I'll take the language learning techniques I took from the DLI and apply them to my Russian.

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