Many (if not most) people I meet really do not know anything about me. Occasionally, I wonder why this is. Is this something I allow to happen? Is there something about interpersonal relationships that I fear? I sometimes even wonder if there's something wrong with me upstairs as a result. It's not too often that I think about this kind of thing, but lately, I have been. I really don't have any clue why I'm writing this... boredom, most likely.
I have come to realize that somewhere up in my brain, some wires must have gotten crossed and I've developed an aversion to the company of other people. I don't know when or where this happened, but I do remember myself as a kid always with a group of friends. There wasn't much that would keep me away from enjoying life in the company of other kids. Even as a teenager, though I fell victim to much of the cruelty that goes on between teens and didn't really have many good friends, I had longed to be one of the popular people at school. There was still something within me that really wanted to interact with others on a regular basis.
So, somewhere between high school and now I've taken a 180 degree shift in personality. I simply don't like being around people. People annoy the hell out of me. Most of the "friends" I've had in recent years would do nothing but talk about themselves and their problems and their drama, but wouldn't even think twice to ask about me. I say "most" because I will admit there have been a select few who were sincerely interested in what was going on with me. In those situations, ironically, I've found myself with nothing to say, simply not wanting to talk, or even feeling like my space was being violated somehow. My own personal paradox, I suppose. I don't want to be around self-centered folks, but at the same time the considerate ones make me uncomfortable.
Once again, I find myself wondering why I'm writing this right now. Is there some part of me right now that's reaching out to anyone who might read this, hoping someone has it in them to pull me out of a decade-long rut? Do I even want that? Maybe this meaningless wall of text is just to serve as an explanation to people who I continually brush aside... or a warning to those of whom I haven't yet done so.
I've been told that I'm so dramatically different at work than I am in my off-time. It's very true. All of my issues with interpersonal relationships vanish from 9-5. I enjoy my job and the people there make it that much more enjoyable. I love interacting with my colleagues and the people I manage. I think, however, that is because those people give me a purpose. I like to greet people at work with a smile (after the caffeine lets me)... I enjoy being able to lend assistance to those who need me. Oddly enough, once I'm off the clock, I don't really want to be near those people. I don't want to run into them at the store and strike up a conversation. I don't want to go see a movie with a group of them. I don't want to go to a bar and watch a big game with them. I mention work relationships mainly because outside of work, I have none... not much else to go by, but it applies to anyone else too. One would think that if I enjoy these individuals' company so much when I'm working, why would I not feel the same way about them all the time? How can a person's opinion of another person or group of people fluctuate so drastically and so often? I've got no answer.
Am I just some troubled and misguided fool? What is it about loneliness that I revere so much? When all I'm left with is my thoughts, there is no need for making impressions on people, especially negative ones that could end up in awkward situations later. I don't need to fit in with a group if there isn't one. I don't need to impress somebody if there is nobody to impress. I believe I have completely lost sight of any potential benefits to maintianing personal relationships. I know there must be some pleasantries in being social, otherwise there would be more people like me.
I have what I call "friends". However, the term in my eyes is akin to what most people as "acquaintances". I don't know friendship as is defined by any dictionary or common notion. I would call them "acquaintances", but I do recognize that that sounds somewhat cold, and I don't want to put off people I like. I just simply don't want the kind of friendship that others do. I can be just as kind and caring and considerate as any good human being can be...
I've been called antisocial by many people. Get your terminology straight. Antisocial behavior is identified by a total lack of disregard for the well being of others and the fundamental principles of a civilized society. Charles Manson is a classic example of antisocial. I'm nowhere near that bad. Here are a few quick definitions that I've come across:
Kind of bizarre that I'm putting this up on the internet for anyone to come along and read it. I like to get my thoughts down sometimes, and chances are if I keep this local on my hard drive, my computer will explode, losing all this. I don't really expect anyone to read this, and I don't really care if anyone does or doesn't. Now that I think about it, there are a few people who might find it and think I'm directing a lot of this at them specifically. To those people: get over yourselves. If I have something specifically to say to one person, believe me, you'll know it.
PS: I was almost done with this when an ill-timed Jehovah's Witness devoid of any tact at all just banged on my door reminding me to mention the following: if anyone does happen to read this and feels the need to "encourage" me by suggesting I find God or Jesus or any other cosmic force that can "save me", please save your preachy rhetoric and prayers for someone who might listen.
I have come to realize that somewhere up in my brain, some wires must have gotten crossed and I've developed an aversion to the company of other people. I don't know when or where this happened, but I do remember myself as a kid always with a group of friends. There wasn't much that would keep me away from enjoying life in the company of other kids. Even as a teenager, though I fell victim to much of the cruelty that goes on between teens and didn't really have many good friends, I had longed to be one of the popular people at school. There was still something within me that really wanted to interact with others on a regular basis.
So, somewhere between high school and now I've taken a 180 degree shift in personality. I simply don't like being around people. People annoy the hell out of me. Most of the "friends" I've had in recent years would do nothing but talk about themselves and their problems and their drama, but wouldn't even think twice to ask about me. I say "most" because I will admit there have been a select few who were sincerely interested in what was going on with me. In those situations, ironically, I've found myself with nothing to say, simply not wanting to talk, or even feeling like my space was being violated somehow. My own personal paradox, I suppose. I don't want to be around self-centered folks, but at the same time the considerate ones make me uncomfortable.
Once again, I find myself wondering why I'm writing this right now. Is there some part of me right now that's reaching out to anyone who might read this, hoping someone has it in them to pull me out of a decade-long rut? Do I even want that? Maybe this meaningless wall of text is just to serve as an explanation to people who I continually brush aside... or a warning to those of whom I haven't yet done so.
I've been told that I'm so dramatically different at work than I am in my off-time. It's very true. All of my issues with interpersonal relationships vanish from 9-5. I enjoy my job and the people there make it that much more enjoyable. I love interacting with my colleagues and the people I manage. I think, however, that is because those people give me a purpose. I like to greet people at work with a smile (after the caffeine lets me)... I enjoy being able to lend assistance to those who need me. Oddly enough, once I'm off the clock, I don't really want to be near those people. I don't want to run into them at the store and strike up a conversation. I don't want to go see a movie with a group of them. I don't want to go to a bar and watch a big game with them. I mention work relationships mainly because outside of work, I have none... not much else to go by, but it applies to anyone else too. One would think that if I enjoy these individuals' company so much when I'm working, why would I not feel the same way about them all the time? How can a person's opinion of another person or group of people fluctuate so drastically and so often? I've got no answer.
Am I just some troubled and misguided fool? What is it about loneliness that I revere so much? When all I'm left with is my thoughts, there is no need for making impressions on people, especially negative ones that could end up in awkward situations later. I don't need to fit in with a group if there isn't one. I don't need to impress somebody if there is nobody to impress. I believe I have completely lost sight of any potential benefits to maintianing personal relationships. I know there must be some pleasantries in being social, otherwise there would be more people like me.
I have what I call "friends". However, the term in my eyes is akin to what most people as "acquaintances". I don't know friendship as is defined by any dictionary or common notion. I would call them "acquaintances", but I do recognize that that sounds somewhat cold, and I don't want to put off people I like. I just simply don't want the kind of friendship that others do. I can be just as kind and caring and considerate as any good human being can be...
I've been called antisocial by many people. Get your terminology straight. Antisocial behavior is identified by a total lack of disregard for the well being of others and the fundamental principles of a civilized society. Charles Manson is a classic example of antisocial. I'm nowhere near that bad. Here are a few quick definitions that I've come across:
- An antisocial person is “one opposed to the established society, one who shuns company and defies or breaks society’s rules.”
- An asocial person simply “doesn’t get on in society and avoids mixing with others.”
- An unsociable person is “not congenial and neither seeks nor tolerates the company of others.”
- An unsocial person is either “one who does not seek society or one who actively avoids or hates it.” In short unsocial overlaps nearly all these others.
- Nonsocial is often used with behavior to indicate “having no social quality or character,” and so “uninterested in society or in socializing.”
Kind of bizarre that I'm putting this up on the internet for anyone to come along and read it. I like to get my thoughts down sometimes, and chances are if I keep this local on my hard drive, my computer will explode, losing all this. I don't really expect anyone to read this, and I don't really care if anyone does or doesn't. Now that I think about it, there are a few people who might find it and think I'm directing a lot of this at them specifically. To those people: get over yourselves. If I have something specifically to say to one person, believe me, you'll know it.
PS: I was almost done with this when an ill-timed Jehovah's Witness devoid of any tact at all just banged on my door reminding me to mention the following: if anyone does happen to read this and feels the need to "encourage" me by suggesting I find God or Jesus or any other cosmic force that can "save me", please save your preachy rhetoric and prayers for someone who might listen.
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